Jesus still suffers more

30 minutes ago my guardians informed me that this week is the week that I will go to trial against my oldest brother. I've been anxiously dreading yet hoping for this week for 2 years. Less than a month ago the district attorney informed us that my brother's attorney had to put off the case because he needed to go to California for another trial. That California trial settled this past week, and my case will continue as planned. At the moment, I feel like screaming, sobbing, and breaking things, but I can't. I've remained this strong for a very long time, and will continue to do so until it's all over and I can allow myself to feel free to be vulnerable to pain. I can't express how scared I am to face my brother. I wish he would come with a bag over his head so I didn't have to see his face. I don't hate him, but I feel repulsed by him. I had hoped God would spare me this, but sometimes what we want isn't what God wants. Who knows what will come out of this. Maybe God will help me look at my brother in a different light. Maybe this is the best time to truly begin to face forgiveness, even though I have no idea how to go about it. How do you forgive something so terrible that it makes your body cringe in disgust? I don't know. I don't think I can ever know until I let go and let God show me. I think I'm frightened to start the process of forgiving my brother because it means I will have to face everything. I will have to come to terms with what happened. I will have to accept it. I will have to, for a while at least, look at myself and stop pretending that I'm normal, that I haven't been hurt, that I'm perfectly fine.

The funny thing is--I am happy. I happy because I am held by Jesus. I'm happy because Jesus is in love with me, and I'm in love with Him. I'm happy because no matter how much I suffer, He suffers along too. I'm not alone, even though I may feel alone. How can one stay miserable and depressed when their best friend, their lover, their life-long companion is always by their side? Jesus is so good. There have been so many times when I've hurt Him, but He's never let me go. I would be dead if He ever let me go.

This week I will have to watch my mother stick by my brother's side. I will have to actually watch my entire biological family stick by my brother's side. I left my family. I told their secrets. I am in their eyes a traitor. I'm not sure how deep the wound will go this time. I've laughed it off so many times before, perhaps I will do it again.

I need prayers. Even just a few Our Father's or Hail Mary's. I need all of heaven holding me right now, otherwise I fear I might break. Isn't it strange how strong humans are, yet in an instant they can become as frail as a delicate piece of china glass? I'm glad that even if we do break, Jesus already knows how to put the pieces back together.