Dear Philothea

Those of you who read my silly posts will clearly remember that I posted a particular blog about a boy. Ahem, yes, I know you remember. Anyway, lately I've found myself very attracted to quite a few different "men" (aka high school boys). Now, I'm not sure if this is because I'm suddenly around way more guys than I've ever been throughout my entire life, or whether I'm maturing mentally and emotionally and am naturally feeling inclined to find a mate. In any case, I've found that Jesus is slowly fading from my thoughts as boys consume them. This may sound quite sad, but it's actually shown me how much I appreciate Jesus and His constant love. See, a year ago I was going through a very difficult maturing stage in my relationship with Jesus. I felt as if He wasn't ever there, that He didn't love me, that He left me to fend for myself. While yes, He was indeed there, He did love me, and He was always there to help me fight my battles, I still felt very empty. I felt abandoned by Him. Although Jesus never abandons us, He sometimes quietly steps into the shadows. I didn't understand why Jesus left me at such a difficult time. It made no sense. I had very angry conversations with him often, but continued to beg for the grace to see His purpose in leaving me alone. In time I did. I couldn't fully love Jesus until I learned to love Him without receiving love in return. I was basically feeding back what He was giving me. That doesn't work in a relationship. I tried and am continually trying to love Him without feeling His love in return. However, there are many moments when my heart almost explodes with the love He has for me. Sometimes I have to stop doing what I'm doing to just catch my breath because it is so overwhelming. That overwhelming feeling is the feeling I should have for Him. This task is by far the hardest He has ever given me. To love someone whom you don't feel loves you in return is very difficult. It's clearly much easier to love someone whom you feel loves you back.

I kind of got off topic. Anyway, the reason I feel such an appreciation for Jesus' love is because no boy, however handsome or charming he is, will be able to love me the way Jesus does. It's now come to the point where I don't even need to feel Jesus' love in order to know how very dearly He loves and cares for me. In later years I will, if ever, be used in past tense when those boys say my name. They will probably know nothing about my whereabouts. I am glad to know that I will always be used in present tense or future tense when Jesus talks about me. It's relieving to know that He always has my best interest at heart. So yes, now I must do the task of bringing Jesus back into the forefront of my thoughts. I don't see how I will be able to stand strongly without doing so. I think I'll move to an all girls school. Just kidding. I'm going to put paper bags over every boy's head. Just kidding. I don't know how I'm going to handle the situation. Maybe the paper bag idea is the right way to go about things...:)