Questions and Answers

"Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."~Rainer Maria Rilke

So. Despite my best intentions, I didn't pen a line of a blog post in the past three months, because, (drumroll) I've begun my freshman year at university!! Transitioning from high school to college has been a highly rewarding, exponentially beautiful, and occasionally distressing journey. Thus, my days(and nights) have been consumed with study and homework (and Sporcle. And talking. And procrastinating. *guilty face*) College may be an overused, unsatisfactory excuse to neglect writing here for so long, but it conveniently segues into my topic.

I think one of the greatest sources of stress and soul-searching these past months has been the desire to live life to the fullest. Let me explain. Frosh-O weekend, (that's freshman orientation weekend in Notre Dame lingo), we were constantly encouraged to find our full potential and to take advantage of every opportunity. However, at the time, I was overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of possibilities and opportunities that had been opened up to me. I was afraid that I would miss wonderful opportunities, and I guess I assumed that meant that dire consequences would ensue. It seems like a silly fear now that I realize I have four years here to take advantage of every marvelous opportunity, but at the time, it was stressing me out.

However, that stage passed (hallelujah) but, more questions arise. What activities should I do? What clubs should I join? What service opportunities should I participate in? What shows should I do? What shows shouldn't I do? What classes should I take? Should I get coffee or tea? (answer: coffee) When should I go to Mass? What should I wear today? What should I do with my life? What does God want me to do?

That's a lot of questions. And I didn't have the answers.

Thankfully, God has put two amazing people in my life. One is Mother Teresa, the other is a friend/mentor/director/rolemodel who sent me the above Rainer Maria Rilke quote. That quote made me realize that God doesn't expect me to have all the answers. In fact, He doesn't need me to have all the answers. What He needs is for me to trust Him. If I had all the answers, then I'd never have to trust Him. And what fun would that be? No fun, that's what. Life would be insanely boring if we had all the answers to the million questions that we encounter. We just have to keep asking the questions and God will send us answers.

But what are we to do in the meantime? We can't just pray for answers and then sit back and wait for God to send them. We have to act. Move forward. Live. But what do you do when you don't know what you're supposed to be doing? The answer is simple. Love. Live each day focusing on others. Mother Teresa's writings are a constant inspiration and reminder of that. Her simple yet profound example of love and complete giving of herself is rousing-I feel like dashing off into the Great Unknown and single-handedly change the world. I may not know what I'm supposed to do after I graduate, what my vocation is, or what I should wear to the dance, but I do know that I can offer a prayer for someone I pass by, or hold open the door for someone, or help someone with their laundry, or bake them brownies when they're feeling blue or just smile. These simple acts of love are what life's all about. A life lived in love is a life lived in God. And God's got the answers. He is the answer.

"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?"

— Til We Have Faces, C.S. Lewis

Retrospective Introspection

Give a girl an education and introduce her properly into the world, and ten to one but she has the means of settling well, without further expense to anybody. ~~Jane Austen


Right now college means one thing to me:

applications

which of course equal:

loads and loads of work.

Writing essays, I'm fine with. What was really starting to get to me was the never-ending checking boxes, filling out the SAME information over and over, squeezing words into limited spaces, number crunching, etc., etc., etc. in never ending succession!

*insert plaintive sigh here*

And furthermore, the endless and monolithic process known as "APPLYING TO COLLEGES" takes up lots of TIME.

*insert groan here*

Time that could be spent enjoying oneself, laughing and talking with friends, scrapbooking, journaling, going for a walk, or any other infinitely more enjoyable activity.

So. Those were my feelings up until about 5:00 today.


As I look over these words that I originally wrote here, I can't help but smile. I remember exactly what had happened the day I wrote them, the emotional state I was in, the frustration I was feeling, the heartbreak, the happiness, and the beauty that abounded.

Senior year.

There's absolutely nothing like it.

If you’ve already experienced it; look back on it and savor your memories.

And smile.

If you’re on the verge of it: get ready. You’re in for the adventure of a lifetime. I promise you you’ll be stressed out of your mind, you’ll get pushed to places you never knew you could go, and you’ll grow in unbelievable, incredible and beautiful ways. Oh, and you’ll have fun, and lots of it-even while filling out applications- as long as you make up your mind to enjoy the bumpy ride. It’s like a roller coaster-you can spend the whole ride worrying about flying off the tracks, and being scared out of your wits. Or else you can just let go, scream, laugh, put your hands in the air, and have fun on the Ride God’s put you on. Because there’s really no point in riding a roller coaster unless you’re willing to relinquish control.


So, on the way home from my show this afternoon, I stopped by my church's Eucharistic adoration chapel. It was lovely and peaceful, and I sat in front of Jesus, finishing up my calc homework. I've always found the adoration chapel is the best place to work through my problems. I now know that math problems can be worked out there as well.

Moral of the story: the Eucharist is indispensible, irreplaceable, and incandescently incredible. And so healing. The Eucharist is definitely what got me through Senior year. He’s the fix for every problem:

When you’ve got too much calculus homework-go to Adoration.
When you want a good cry-go to Adoration.
When you want to share good news with someone-go to Adoration.

I think you get my drift… :)

My favorite is when you don't really have anything to say to Jesus, but you just pop in to say hi real quick. Basking in the glorious warmth, joy, and love pulsating from Him, you just plop yourself in front of the Eucharist, and let go of your problems. It's lovely. Which is basically the reason I chose to go to Notre Dame-there’s a chapel in each dorm. Jesus lives in every dorm, folks. How wicked awesome is that?

Then, I got home, and I sat down at the computer and I got my first college application submitted! One down. Five to go. I can do this.

And, I realized I've been letting my laziness get in my way. There were some points over the past week I was debating whether college was really worth it or not. In reality, though, I was just bogged down in the mire of applications, and also, scared of leaving home, friends, and family. Then, I realized how absolutely stupid I was being. Because, I AM excited for college-I know it'll be awesome. Anything that is awesome won't come without hard work; and I hate to admit it, but hard work is an acquired taste for me. I have to teach myself to enjoy it.


Oh boy. I'm going to have to work harder this fall than I ever have before. But I'm so excited for it. I'm so ready to take on the challenge, and as Hamlet would say: the readiness is all. I'm so glad that I found the courage to choose to leave home back in May. Now, I'm realizing that life at home is going to continue without me. It's not as if your friends and family magically put their life on "pause" while you're gone-they continue on with their lives. Without you. Not gonna lie, my friends, that thought often saddens me. But then I recall my life's not going being paused either; it’s barreling on full-speed ahead. As C.S. Lewis would say: we’re all travelling into the future at the rate of sixty seconds per minute, whether we would wish it or no. Peace comes when we cease to resist that fact; we lift our hands in the air and enjoy the breath-taking beauty of the Ride.

There are certain parts of ourselves that we want to choke out of existence: the parts of us that snap sassy retorts to our parents, or groan instead of grin when asked to clear the table. There are other facets of our selves that we cultivate and nourish. I'm so excited to nourish the artist within me, to push myself, to explore, to tell stories, to drink in the joy of performing, the joy of art. I love it. And I can't wait to cultivate the scholar in me. The scholar who thirsts for knowledge. The student who relishes the victory of completing a laborious assignment. The student who grows in appreciation of her art. The student who thirsts for God and hungers for Truth.

Thankfully, we stopped at my Grandma’s house on our way down to Notre Dame. There’s a painting hanging up in my grandma’s house. I noticed that simple little drawing for the first time; and hidden in that picture I found the words Psalm 37:4. So, I looked up the verse in the Bible, and this is what I found:

Find your delight in the LORD who will give you your heart's desire.

And it’s definitely what I needed to here. Often, College overwhelms me with the limitless opportunities that lie before me. What passions of mine do I pursue? How do I make sure no hidden talent or facet of my person go unexplored? How do I become Balanced and Well-Rounded? The answer is simple.
Go to adoration.
Pursue God.
Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you, and all that jazz.
I love God-He’s awesome sauce. For many reasons, of course, but one of the happiest being that He sends us the answers when we least expect it.
Have a beautiful autumn/first semester, everyone!

Dirty Words (and more)

So, since the Femininity Summit kicked off last week with a prelim meeting, I've been having a lot of conversations about the importance of language and how we carry ourselves when we converse (thanks so much for your wonderful brains, my friends!), which started my mind on a train of thought about swearing. In her post about On the Verge, Desdemona mentioned swearing as a way of getting attention from those around us. It's such a cheap way of getting attention, too -- curses don't express profound ideas or relevant facts. They are spoken merely to grab the attention of listeners and attract it to the emotions of the speaker and how he chooses to express himself. Or, worse, the swearing is merely a habit.

Whatever the reason for swearing, the fact remains that, besides being totally unladylike and inelegant, it's just so boring. Honestly, if you actually stop and think about it (although why you'd really want to, I don't know... :P), there are only a handful of swear words that are constantly repeated and reused. As Desdemona joyously proclaimed, the English language contains so many delightful, scintillating (:D!) words that precisely describe an emotion, situation, or characteristic. Antediluvian. Portrait. Bureau. Sanctimonious. Alizarine. Incorrigible. Desolate. Pudgy. Dichotomy. Bumpkin. Neophyte. They cannot be applied to many situtaions because they convey such an exact idea -- they are vibrant words which paint a living picture in the minds of those who hear or read them. They bring ideas to life.

As Desdemona also pointed out in her post, life is an adventure. If you look at it any other way, you're simply going to end up sobbing your eyes out over some trifle that doesn't really matter. Sure, that C I got in class was horribly disappointing (I'll be honest: it flayed my pride alive), but really? If my final goal in life is to please God, get to heaven, and, God willing, help others to reach heaven, then each moment can and should be lived with the knowledge that I know how the story ends: this may be news to some people, but God wins. The End. Joy is an intrinsic element of the Christian life -- there are no gloomy saints. Every moment can be sanctified, and we were not made to walk through this valley of tears alone. Thank God for friends because otherwise I would have gone insane long ago.

Ultimately, does that C matter in my life? Maybe. I don't know, and there's no point in worrying about it now. There are too many other wonderful and perilous things going on in my life right now for me to spend precious hours fretting over a grade from one class in my freshman year at college. God has a plan for me (another news flash), and it will all work out fine.

This started out as a post about swearing and morphed into a musing on...pretty much everything else. Which is just fine on this blog.

When God Closes a Door

Unless the LORD builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.

(Psalm 127:1-2)

As any of us can attest, life can be an extremely stressful experience. College is no exception. So, when I came across Psalm 127 while studying for theology class, I couldn't help but wryly smile at the ways in which God chooses to speak to us. I certainly wasn't looking for a message from God, yet it still spoke to me in a unique way. This second semester has been rather rough for me in some ways, and it was an unexpected reminder of God's Divine Providence to read this passage of scripture.

I certainly have risen early, gone late to rest, and eaten the anxious bread of toil during my first year of college. Most days, God seems so remote that it is difficult to believe that even the smallest of circumstances come from His loving hand. Certainly, just looking back over the past few weeks, nothing special or extraordinary stands out; those weeks were just a series of ordinary, regular, often frustrating moments. How could the almighty God speak through such mundane and unpleasant messengers? And yet He does.

God may not speak to me via angel, earthquake, or burning bush, but each and every event of my tangled life points toward some greater reality. Unless the Lord builds, how can anything stand? Surely, if God took the care to bring me into this world, He will not leave me without a few directions on how to reach the final destination. Who am I to deny that God sends those directions through the most unexpected ways?