What's Around the River Bend

(So apparently Desdemona and I think along the same lines -- I started my draft first, but she beat me to the posting punch.)

Sometimes, okay, most of the time, I wish God would be a little more explicit in His life directions. It would make life so much simpler. Instead of little spiritual nudges and feelings of peace, He could send an e-mail with instructions for the days events laid out in great detail. I wouldn't have to worry about discerning or choosing. The questions that I want answers to are both mundane and profound -- as Desdemona put it, "What should I wear today? What should I do with my life? What does God want me to do?" -- everything from the time I should go to bed at night to what on earth I should do after graduating. Maybe it's because I started sophomore year, and graduation (and the real world) just seem that much nearer. Maybe it's because it's autumn, and I always get pensive and melancholic during the autumn. Whatever the reason, I've just been thinking about my life lately -- Where do I want to go? What do I want to do with this life of mine? What does God want me to do with it?

Of course I have dreams and aspirations. I want to be a writer, a wife, a mother. I want to live in San Francisco/New York/Washington D.C./some other big city (but not LA) for a couple years after graduating. I want to go to grad school. I want to travel in Europe. I want to own a house with a dining room, second story, and attached garage. I have a bucket list. There are a million and one things that I'd like to do before I die.

But what do I actually see myself doing? My realism is warring with my idealism. Whenever I look at the glossy magazine spreads of chic downtown lofts or impeccably arrayed women, my idealistic self nods in agreement and immediately begins building air castles about my future as that impeccably arrayed woman living in that chic downtown loft. If God were to reach down into my world and speak to me right now, at this particular moment of my life, what would He say about that downtown apartment? About the dreams that I have for my life?

I know that, right now, I have a vocation to be a student, and I try to live that vocation every day to the greater glory of God. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail, but it's a very real vocation to me, in the here and now of my very hectic, very crowded existence. But once I look to the future...? Everything is murky, and I can't help dreaming about all the possibilities that the future holds. It's very natural to plan and prepare, I guess, but I can't help thinking that, given the fact that I have zero control over what will happen tomorrow, let alone next year, it might be better if I just gave it all to God -- grad school, that potential future spouse, the dream job -- and just lived from day to day.

At the same time, I firmly believe that God designed me exactly the way I am. He give me my love of writing, my desires to travel, go to grad school, and get married. Somehow, I don't think He'll totally ignore these deepest longings when it comes to my future. But I also believe that He has an amazing adventure (called life) planned for me, one that surpasses all the wonderment and joy of my most carefully laid plans.

In summary, the future will be awesome, because God is boss, and He controls the future. Don't worry about it too much, but you have to plan for it a little, i.e. you won't get into college (which falls under the "future" category) unless you take the SAT ("present" category). And pray a lot, because God will speak to you, if you take the time to listen to Him.